california
Jahsiya died while I was in California after leaving my boyfriend and while grieving. LA was disorienting. The sunburns were unfailing on my winter skin, the conversational tenor hard to infiltrate. Any refraction of my grief and heartbreak could have caused my disorientation. I was practicing non-attachment and fasting so the parties, field trips, and night walks were a parading mirage, a set to wander through in numb dreaminess. If that's what we mean by LA is fake I admit I leaned into its easiness and distraction with relief. Michelle and I spent an afternoon getting high and drinking in her living room cackling through the uninsulated walls and another sunbathing on the porch with tea. One of the last nights I was there we had a party. Boys camped out on the front lawn with beer and it was all clinky and shimmery and swelling. I got too high early in the evening so my friend and I were leaning against a car in the driveway talking and making out while I waited to come down awa...
